How Do You Eat a Hot Bowl of Soup?
Slowly, one safe spoonful at a time. When life hands us something overwhelming—a diagnosis, a loss—our brains often try to cope by pulling back. That first pullback (avoidance) can feel protective. But new research shows why gentle engagement—one safe step at a time—helps us heal.
In Plain Language
Researchers followed adults who lost someone to suicide or overdose over six months to see how different coping styles affected their mental health. They compared two broad patterns:
- Avoidant coping – pushing thoughts/feelings away, distracting, withdrawing.
- Approach coping – asking for help, reframing, problem-solving, and taking small actions.
What they found:
- People relying on avoidance tended to get more prolonged grief and more post-traumatic stress later.
- People using approach strategies did better over time because these strategies increased meaning-making—the process of making sense of what happened and what life means now.
- Meaning-making was the key bridge: approach → more meaning → fewer symptoms.
Bottom line: avoiding pain keeps us stuck; gentle, stepwise engagement builds meaning—and meaning improves mental health.
Why This Matters for Women with Primary Ovarian Insufficiency
Our Primary Ovarian Insufficiency NIH Intramural Research Program collaboration with Arizona State University found that after a Primary Ovarian Insufficiency diagnosis, avoidance was a common coping mechanism for these women. Over time, we discovered that avoidant behavior was linked with worsening mood and distress.
The new bereavement study shows how this happens: avoidance blocks meaning-making; approach coping grows it. The key is to encourage a growth mindset.
That exact mechanism applies in Primary Ovarian Insufficiency:
- Avoidance cools the “soup” but prevents nourishment—life stays on hold.
- Approach (small, safe, supportive steps) builds meaning and restores agency.
At My28Days, we call this practice Becoming the Knower: noticing what’s happening inside, choosing one next helpful action, and letting the brain learn safety through repetition. It’s not instant. It’s a process: time, patience, courage, dedication, and neuroplasticity.
Quick “Study Box”
- Who: 212 adults bereaved by suicide/overdose
- When: Two timepoints, six months apart (≈2.5 years post-loss)
- What predicted worse outcomes: Avoidant coping
- What predicted better outcomes: Approach coping → more meaning → fewer symptoms
- Measured: Prolonged grief, PTSD symptoms, depression
Try This: Five Approach Micro-Steps
- Name it: “There is fear/sadness/anger.” (Naming calms the alarm system.)
- Breathe out slowly 5 times. (Signals safety to the body.)
- One question for your next visit—write it now.
- One supporter you’ll text today for information or encouragement.
- One reframe: “This is hard, and I can learn one small thing today.”
Each action is a “spoonful”—small, doable, and strengthening the neural pathways of agency.
For Clinicians & Care Partners
Ask: “What would make this feel one step safer today?”
Co-create one small goal; invite a Care Partner to listen and reflect; normalize avoidance as protection while gently modeling an approach.
Call to Action
- Download our “Becoming the Knower: A Brain-Based Path from Avoidance to Agency” one-pager to bring to appointments.
- Share with someone one approach step that helped you—your example may light someone else’s way.
- If you’re a clinician, consider integrating a meaning-making check-in: “What sense are you making of this right now?”
See the full study at NIH:
We share this to educate and advocate, not to give medical advice. Always talk with your clinician about your individual situation.
Service. Truth. Heritage.
Empathy Thinking® is a registered trademark of the Mary Elizabeth Conover Foundation. All rights reserved.
